Welcoming a Pastoral Family with Disabilities

In my tradition of the United Methodist Church, this is a time of year when many pastors prepare to say goodbye to a congregation and begin life in a new community and ministry context. 

I am among those pastors preparing to move to a new church. It comes with the experience of sadness of leaving a community while feeling the excitement of a new beginning and doing life with a new group of people for a season.

Every pastoral move has its unique challenges and adjustments, but probably none more so than pastoral families who also live with various disabilities – whether their own or their children. Each member of my immediate family has some condition or need that hinders one or more life activities, which matches the federal government’s definition of a disability. I live with ADHD, anxiety, and depression, while the remainder of my family live with autism, health conditions, and speech delays.  They present a different challenge in welcoming a pastoral family into a congregation and adjusting to a new way of life.

So, how might a church extend the grace of welcome to a pastoral family with disabilities? I have written about how to welcome children with disabilities within a pastor’s family in the past. I want to focus here on the whole family and their needs in moving to a new community.

First, the church needs to remember that a move to a new church constitutes a change in routines. An individual or family that lives with conditions that require a more structured routine will need more grace in adapting to being in a new home, having a form of worship that looks different, or even having a different route to go home each day. These changes can create additional family stresses and a slower adjustment to a new community and congregation. A church needs to share patience and grace with the family, knowing it will take a family longer to get used to their surroundings. If the pastoral family has school-aged children, the adjustment period may be longer as a new school will cause another sudden change in the norm.

If a church is receiving a pastor with a disability, the personnel committee and the pastor need to have honest conversations about what accommodations are needed. Churches are required to provide work-placed accommodations in accordance with disability laws. Those accommodations may vary based on the need and situation. For instance, I need a church to understand that I move during sermons and do not preach from a pulpit because it makes me feel trapped and constrained. A pastor who uses a wheelchair may need a more adaptable workspace or a ramp to the chancel area. These conversations help everyone to feel comfortable and able to do the work of God in a safe and constructive space.

Another thing to remember is to be mindful of how you talk to the pastoral family about their disabilities, whether it is about the pastor or their children. When talking about disabilities, it is important for the person asking a question or having a conversation with someone about their disability to not use negative words or phrases. What you might see as a burden, the other person may not see it as such. It is appropriate to ask questions and to have conversations about inclusion, but to do so in a way that leads to growth and understanding. A good rule of thumb is to reflect on your feelings if someone asks you this question. A lot of unnecessary pain and harm caused to families with disabilities in the church could be prevented by simply having some empathy when engaging in conversations.

Finally, understand that a family may not attend every church event. Almost every church wants their pastor and their family to be at every event in the church. It is a great way to build relationships and connections in a community. For a family with disabilities, attending an event outside of the routine can cause some challenges. A family may deal with multiple doctor’s appointments, sensory issues, and questions about routines and needs in determining whether to attend. A church can build a lasting connection with a family in this situation by expressing compassion and grace when someone cannot attend. It is perfectly fine to be disappointed, but when that disappointment turns to judgment, it can harm relationships and connections in the church. Also, never a family or a person with a disability cannot attend or do something. That leads to ableist attitudes, which harms our connections with a person or family.

These are just a few things that can help welcome a new pastoral family with disabilities. I share these in the hope that if we can offer these adjustments to a pastor and their family, we might be able to do so with every person affected by some disability who desires to relate to a church.