Being a parent to a neurologically diverse child is challenging.
The care needed is often intense. There are only a few really quiet days, and even the quietest day can feel like a train wreck of emotions. Parental care in this world requires navigating multiple avenues of stress, like insurance policies, health practices, state regulations, federal regulations, education policies, and all points in between.
Parents of neurological divergent children often care for their children alone, with limited support from family and friends, and without the traditional networks of community participation in schools, places of worship, and other avenues that many take for granted. It is a lowly and, at times, discouraging reality.
That is why it is frustrating that we are, once again, seeking to blame parents, particularly mothers, for the increase in autism diagnoses in the United States. Recent reports suggest that the Department of Health and Human Services will soon claim that Tylenol usage by mothers during pregnancy causes autism. This is based on inaccurate research, and it lacks context. No, Tylenol does not cause autism. The same is true for vaccines, which have been shown not to have any correlation with increases in autism diagnosis.
By pointing to these disproven theories as the cause for increases in autism cases, we are making autism about choices and not genetics. We are making it about what a mother does or does not do in care for her body while pregnant, instead of about actual science or facts. (For the record, increases in autistic cases are most likely due to better testing and understanding of what is and what is not autism.)
In doing so, we blame the parent for having a child that is not “normal.” It is the parents’ fault for creating an autistic child, the argument goes, because they did something that was not “right” and, thus, created something that society views as “wrong” or “not normal.”
This is from the playbook of the eugenics movement, which claims that society is at its best with a preferred set of people. Autistic people do not qualify as the preferred type of people by those who support the ideology of eugenics and its immoral beliefs. Instead of seeking to understand autism, provide resources for the whole of life, and care for the person, society seeks to blame them, and especially parents, for existing.
When there is a behavior issue, often caused by the lack of support or unmet needs, the parents are blamed for having a child who is not like the others. They are told what they do wrong and, often, how to fix their child.
When the autistic child needs additional services, the parents are blamed when they push for those services instead of just taking the crumbs that are offered by society. It is as if the parents should be ashamed of themselves for bringing someone into the world who is not like other children.
How cruel can we be, as a society, to blame parents for something they have no control over?
I’ve heard it too often as a parent and, yes, even in the church.
When we blame the parents for something they had no control over, we send the message that you are not welcome. When we seek to place autism upon the decisions made by parents, and not science, what we tell the parents is that it is their fault. Instead of support, we provide shame.
Parents and autistic individuals need love and support, not judgment and condemnation. The continued efforts to find something to blame only continue the harmful shunning that parents feel on a daily basis. It is not what the church or our society should be about today.
What is needed is a better approach that can lead to understanding and acceptance of the autistic person. An approach that is not based on fear or blame, but seeks to understand the autistic mind and the support needs for that person. This approach would lead to more inclusion in schools, places of worship, and society as a whole.
It is what we should spend our time and resources on, and not blaming parents.
Shannon Blosser 