Learning to Accept Being a Special Needs Dad

When you first find out that your wife or partner is pregnant, as a dad, you immediately think about all the dreams you have for your child. You think about the trips you want to take, the lessons you want to inspire, and the moments you want to share.

In many ways, you think about being a parent through the lens of the images that you have growing up. For me, that image was to be like my grandfather. He was the wise sage from my family; who took me to every sporting event and helped us travel and see things beyond our little community.

I must admit that when I found out my oldest son was on the autism spectrum, I did not handle it well. All I could think about was what I lost. I thought about the lost opportunities, the things we may not be able to do together, and the challenges that would come our way. When you have an image in your head of what being a parent will be like, and you see that image destroyed, or so you thought, it takes some time to accept a new reality. Or what might be better to say: it takes a while to recognize how there is a better journey waiting for you and your family. This experience is not uncommon for parents who raise children with various disabilities.

The autism diagnosis changed nothing about my son. He is who he has always been. The diagnosis gave us a glimpse into the world that was present with him at birth because nothing in society or anything we did as parents created his autism. His autism is as much part of who he is as are his ten fingers and ten toes. 

There was nothing about my son that he needed to change. He is who God created him to be and is a reflection of the imago Dei. What needed to change was my way of seeing the world. I needed to accept the reality of being a special-needs dad. I needed to change.

It did not happen overnight. I would love to write that I and my family had it all figured out immediately. That would be a lie. It took us a while to recognize what this journey would look like. It took me longer to come to terms with things. I had to stop being angry at myself for lost dreams before I could move forward in accepting the better and more joyful life of being a special needs father.

I didn’t stop loving my son. My love for him is unconditional. What affected me the most was losing my dreams and my focus. I was selfish, and I was angry. How could I be a father if I couldn’t take him to a football game? How could I have those special conversations with him? That’s all I could think about for a long time. What did I lose in the process of gaining an understanding of who my son is?

How did I come to the point of acceptance? It was a long battle with myself more than it was anything else.

I had to let go of old dreams and recognize that this journey would be as important and life-changing as anything else. I needed to change my perspective to thrive and grow as a parent. Changing my perspective enabled growth to take place as a parent.

Too often, we become stuck in our way of thinking. This stubborn way of looking at the world and our lives prevents us from growing. We cannot share grace with our world or families if we refuse to adapt or change. This hinders our ability to grow. 

As I held on to the dreams I always had, I prevented myself from seeing what was in front of me. I could not see the world that my son was living in, and I could not see my role as a parent in it. Changing my perspective helped me to remember that it doesn’t matter what dreams you have from the start. What matters is being present on the journey with your child and living in the moment.

The change of perspective helped me to find joy in the journey. That doesn’t mean that the journey is not difficult. The journey is difficult, but perhaps more so for my son as he lives in a world that refuses to accommodate him and others like him. We can find joy in the moments that come with it and share grace with the people we meet on the journey.

Changing my perspective has helped me to see what it truly means to be a parent. It is not about the games or the trips. It is about helping our children thrive in the world. It means helping my son grow into who he is and helping others to love him for who he is. Being a parent means encouraging him throughout life, being his biggest champion, sharing advice on how to navigate various challenges, and helping to make the world a better place for him. It is about showing him unconditional love and grace. 

That is the greater parenting journey. That is where true joy is found in being a parent, especially a parent of a child with a disability.

That means more to me than taking my son to a football game. We can watch the game at home, where it’s safer for him and cheaper on our family’s budget. The legacy I leave as a father who shares unconditional love with him will be more important than any trip to a game or any dreams I may have had from the start.